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Ah, Wonderful December!
Mimi Dunitz
It is that time of year again. Flip
the page of the calendar and it's December. Is there any other
month of the year that congers up such intense, instant images?
Immediately snowflakes come to mind, fireplaces glowing, wonderful
smells coming from the kitchen. You can already feel how tired
you will be after all the shopping and preparation. Your mind
is making lists and it is barely Thanksgiving.
If you are Jewish, the smell of latkes frying is already attacking
your senses. You can probably already envision the instant 5
lbs. around your hips. You wonder how many cousins will gather
on the floor to play dreidel this year. Will the dog eat the
raisins we use for money? Whose brisket will be worse, mom's
or Aunt Sarah's?
If you are Christian, when will you shop for the tree? Should
you open presents Christmas Eve before Mass or Christmas morning?
Will the apartment building let you string lights on your balcony?
Will dad snore through the football game again?
These questions are representative of all the things that run
through our minds this time of year. But most certainly the questions
and images are not the same if you are an interfaith or intermarried
couple. Maybe, instead, December brings icicles around your heart
rather than snowflakes out the window. The thought of latkes
gives you severe indigestion and the first thing you purchase
is Mylanta.
Christmas is a holiday steeped in religious ritual. It is the
celebration of the birth of Christ and Americans celebrate with
all of the pomp that is befitting the birth of a King. Churches
are filled with song and prayer. Christmas Eve finds many waiting
in line to get a seat at Mass. And amidst all of the religious
symbolism is Santa Claus, the elves, stores decked out with lights
and ribbons and TV and radio commercials about the newest talking
toy or warmest sweater of the season.
Hanukah has become a major celebration even though it is just
a minor Jewish festival. It commemorates the rededication of
the Temple by Judah and the Maccabees over the three year tyranny
imposed by Antiochus and the Syrians. In major cities throughout
the U.S. stores vie for attention from Jewish shoppers by putting
up blue and white decorations alongside the red and green. Streamers
wishing the Jewish people Hanukah are hung in most supermarkets,
and families everywhere try to make Hanukah as important to their
children as Christmas is to their gentile friends.
For interfaith couples, the process of deciding how to celebrate
can be excruciatingly painful. Very often, compromises have to
be made, but to what end? Does compromise mean that one partner
gets to celebrate their holiday and the other partner is merely
a spectator rather than a participant? Does compromise mean having
and doing both in your home; the Hanukah menorah and gifts for
eight days beginning on December 13th, and then putting away
all the Jewish symbols just in time to put up the Christmas tree
and start to shop and wrap gifts all over again? Does anyone
feel comfortable with this situation?
Each couple needs to find their own comfort level. But it is
important for you to know that you are not the only two people
in the world trying to decide how to make things work. It just
feels that way. In almost all Reform Congregations there are
programs on the December Dilemma. These programs are usually
discussion groups with other couples trying to answer the same
questions that you are. Experienced facilitators lead open-minded,
non- judgmental, and honest dialogue. For many couples these
discussions can help them come to easy decisions and they get
it all straightened out with the first attempt. Some couples
come back to the group for years, to participate, to see how
others are handling the situation and to share new wrinkles in
their quest for the perfect December Dilemma answer!
If there is one piece of advice to impart to all of you reading
this, it is TALK TO EACH OTHER. Tell each other what you are
feeling. Talk about what is important. Discuss the conflicts
you are having and speak about the things that bring you joy
and contentment. Only then can your partner fully understand.
Only then can your partner share your dreams and visions. And
maybe then the month of December will be all that you truly wish
it to be.
Mimi Dunitz is the
Assistant Director of the Great Lakes Region/Union of American
Hebrew Congregations. Since 1986 her portfolio has included Reform
Jewish Outreach. She is the originator of Let's Talk, a discussion
group for interfaith couples that has been replicated in most
of the UAHC regions. She can be contacted at Mimidun@aol.com
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